Today is one of those days where I’m sitting on the fence...looking attentively and carefully over each side whilst being well aware of what each side entails. It should be a no brainer right, I should look at the fun side and launch myself forward like I’ve done so many times before? Unfortunately, following “e” aka encephalitis or brain inflammation, even the easy stuff, the stuff that used to be a given, the things that used to happen naturally without thinking too much aren’t so easy anymore.
Following “e” the bright side, the fun side of the fence also translates in additional brain stimulation, additional efforts for the brain to keep up and consequently most likely a crashing session that will leave me with intense fatigue for days. Intense fatigue which is also often followed by a sense a failure. During the last two years I’ve spent A LOT of time on trying to erase the word failure from my vocabulary. Deep down I know I can’t fail at something I’ve got no control over (in this case my bruised brain), but at the end the day that is still a feeling that i'm experiencing and therefore a feeling that I need to acknowledge to get passed it...but unfortunately, some days it’s not easy to shake off that feeling of failure!
The alternative, let’s call it the quiet side of the fence (it’s a bit kinder than calling it the boring side), means that I will most likely not be challenging myself much today (complete opposite of the "me" prior “e”), it also means that I’ll be staying well into routine to give myself the best chances at managing my day without too much heartache. Most days I’m okay with choosing that side of the fence as I know it’s the most logical decision to take for my personal well being...but some days I’m bored with the same old same old, some days I do long for excitement, for a new challenge, for a little something to spice up my day.
Consequently, here I am, sitting on the fence. So I’m asking you, which side would you chose? Which price are you willing to pay should you chose a side over the other?
Because let’s face it, both sides eventually come at an emotional cost. Watching or hearing how much fun people had whilst you were on the quiet side of the fence can be just as heartbreaking as going through a set back generated by choosing to liven up your day.
A simple decision, yet so hard when you gotta factor in all the weird and wonderful of a new acquired brain post “e”. So today is one of those days where I’m sitting on the fence...wondering if I’ll finally come to a decision.
Sorry a bit of a pessimistic blog today...I know and I have developed strategies to cope with either side of the fence but some days it just sucks to be the wise/reasonable person watching life happen whilst sitting on top of the fence.
A follow up blog to this post addressing the fun side of the fence is now available.
Thank you for writing this. I am an "e" survivor of 6 years and also had Meningitis at the time. I sent this to my family to try to help them understand a little bit better why I don't always do all the things I used to. You explained the feelings in my heart today perfectly! Blessings my friend!